As I have now had the misfortune to have been the victim of not one but two narcissists one after the other. Surely I would have recognised another narcissist particularly after the awful behaviour I endured with the first one. If only it were that simple. The problem with that is that unbeknownst to me and to the therapist I had counselling from is that there are at present five different types of narcissist. Each of whom have characteristics that are unique to their type and notoriously difficult to diagnose accurately.
My two were the two extremes. One being the kind that if wronged or exposed would make you public enemy number one in their eyes and will do anything and everything to protect their position. Including character assisination, lies, blackmail and even physical violence.
The other type who will change their thoughts, opinions and statements continuously as they refuse to accept that anything they may have said or done was their fault. So if not their fault then it has to be someone else. If you are their partner that becomes you. They will not engage in conversions that make them feel uncomfortable. Suffering from regular bouts of selective amnesia declaring that they have no recollection of any conversation or decision made that affected both of our lives.
That developed a series of avoiding behaviours that were very soon identified by me and I could accurately predict how he would react in certain situations. Which was very distressing and was beginning to have me doubt my sanity as they denied having conversations and delivered some truly horrible verbal abuse.
Making unfounded accusations as they wiggled like a worm on a hook to not accept responsibility for any of their behaviour and emotional states.
He took advantage of being in lockdown to create fictional mental health issues. When he realised his life was spinning out of control he used to gain sympathy and trust from working colleagues as an underlying addiction problem was put into the already turbulent waters that were our lives.
They became increasingly demanding and still in a place where I was 100% certain of things I fulfilled. Clinging to the hope that I was helping by easing their burdens. Instead he took and took so much. Not caring about others that needed me too. Close friends and family. I tried to explain but he wasn’t interested in what I did for others. Except that it detracted from what I was able to give him. I ended up becoming mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. Where I had to take time out for me to recover. None of which he accepted. Accusing me of being lazy, becoming angry with me. Telling me about the pressure he had at work providing for us. He was doing that so that I would then become entirely financially dependent on him. To use at a time in the future as both a means of control and a weapon to undermine my confidence and self worth.
The narcissist thrives on creating situations where more and more control is perceived to have been gained. As they deploy their arsenal of well seasoned techniques, traps and mind games. To separate you from close family and friends becoming reliant upon them alone.
For those that know me they know that I am a storyteller. Over the years these stories have been met with different reactions. However the overwhelming majority have been positive. This has been measured over decades of my life. So when my partner has such a violent negative reaction this is an atypical response. The business intelligence analyst part of me understands that this is an outlier data point. Which he failed to understand and whilst I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on at the time as there was the added complexity of COVID and lockdown to get my head around. I knew without a doubt that this was not my problem, this was definitely him.
I told him time after time about one principle in particular. If someone leaves me with a feeling that is for want of a better phrase ‘less than marvellous’ then I cannot let that go unchallenged. This is an indicator of what psychologists term ‘transference’ where one person is refusing to accept responsibility for their actions and tries to transfer it to another. If you are aware enough to realise what is happening and you let it go then that is on you. You have tacitly agreed to bear the fallout from something they have done. There will be consequences that follow some may be deeply unpleasant and some may continue to have an effect years later.
How many people do you know that still talk about things that happened to them years ago. They are bitter and resentful about past relationships and everything is always someone else’s fault. The only joy they have is to bring others into their misery and shame.
Using language this is derogatory and hurtful about themselves and others. A pity party that has been slowly burning for years inside them. They may in fact be demonstrating some very well known narcissistic behaviour patterns. But whether they are or not one thing you can be sure of is that they do not have your best interests at heart. If you indulge these types of behaviours the relationship will become toxic very quickly.
When I realised what was going on I found a way to get out. It wasn’t easy but with support from family and friends I made it. The best revenge I know of is for me to now look forward to a future where I live my best life supported by loving family and close friends.
If you have had similar experiences or feel that you may be in a relationship now with a narcissist I urge you to do the same.
Peace until we meet again. As I have now had the misfortune to have been the victim of not one but two narcissists one after the other. Surely I would have recognised another narcissist particularly after the awful behaviour I endured with the first one. If only it were that simple. The problem with that is that unbeknownst to me and to the therapist I had counselling from is that there are at present five different types of narcissist. Each of whom have characteristics that are unique to their type and notoriously difficult to diagnose accurately.
My two were the two extremes. One being the kind that if wronged or exposed would make you public enemy number one in their eyes and will do anything and everything to protect their position. Including character assisination, lies, blackmail and even physical violence.
The other type who will change their thoughts, opinions and statements continuously as they refuse to accept that anything they may have said or done was their fault. So if not their fault then it has to be someone else. If you are their partner that becomes you. They will not engage in conversions that make them feel uncomfortable. Suffering from regular bouts of selective amnesia declaring that they have no recollection of any conversation or decision made that affected both of our lives.
That developed a series of avoiding behaviours that were very soon identified by me and I could accurately predict how he would react in certain situations. Which was very distressing and was beginning to have me doubt my sanity as they denied having conversations and delivered some truly horrible verbal abuse.
Making unfounded accusations as they wiggled like a worm on a hook to not accept responsibility for any of their behaviour and emotional states.
He took advantage of being in lockdown to create fictional mental health issues. When he realised his life was spinning out of control he used to gain sympathy and trust from working colleagues as an underlying addiction problem was put into the already turbulent waters that were our lives.
They became increasingly demanding and still in a place where I was 100% certain of things I fulfilled. Clinging to the hope that I was helping by easing their burdens. Instead he took and took so much. Not caring about others that needed me too. Close friends and family. I tried to explain but he wasn’t interested in what I did for others. Except that it detracted from what I was able to give him. I ended up becoming mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. Where I had to take time out for me to recover. None of which he accepted. Accusing me of being lazy, becoming angry with me. Telling me about the pressure he had at work providing for us. He was doing that so that I would then become entirely financially dependent on him. To use at a time in the future as both a means of control and a weapon to undermine my confidence and self worth.
The narcissist thrives on creating situations where more and more control is perceived to have been gained. As they deploy their arsenal of well seasoned techniques, traps and mind games. To separate you from close family and friends becoming reliant upon them alone.
For those that know me they know that I am a storyteller. Over the years these stories have been met with different reactions. However the overwhelming majority have been positive. This has been measured over decades of my life. So when my partner has such a violent negative reaction this is an atypical response. The business intelligence analyst part of me understands that this is an outlier data point. Which he failed to understand and whilst I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on at the time as there was the added complexity of COVID and lockdown to get my head around. I knew without a doubt that this was not my problem, this was definitely him.
I told him time after time about one principle in particular. If someone leaves me with a feeling that is for want of a better phrase ‘less than marvellous’ then I cannot let that go unchallenged. This is an indicator of what psychologists term ‘transference’ where one person is refusing to accept responsibility for their actions and tries to transfer it to another. If you are aware enough to realise what is happening and you let it go then that is on you. You have tacitly agreed to bear the fallout from something they have done. There will be consequences that follow some may be deeply unpleasant and some may continue to have an effect years later.
How many people do you know that still talk about things that happened to them years ago. They are bitter and resentful about past relationships and everything is always someone else’s fault. The only joy they have is to bring others into their misery and shame.
Using language this is derogatory and hurtful about themselves and others. A pity party that has been slowly burning for years inside them. They may in fact be demonstrating some very well known narcissistic behaviour patterns. But whether they are or not one thing you can be sure of is that they do not have your best interests at heart. If you indulge these types of behaviours the relationship will become toxic very quickly.
When I realised what was going on I found a way to get out. It wasn’t easy but with support from family and friends I made it. The best revenge I know of is for me to now look forward to a future where I live my best life supported by loving family and close friends.
If you have had similar experiences or feel that you may be in a relationship now with a narcissist I urge you to do the same.
Peace until we meet again.